Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
