goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
