So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
