Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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