ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
