Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
