Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
