so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
