He had one of those small greek statue penises
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
