my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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