mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
