Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
