Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
