How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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