We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
