You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
