Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
