You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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