Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
