So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can't turn off my feet"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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