my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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