Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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