I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
