Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
