I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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