No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
