I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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