Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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