Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
