I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
