Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize