masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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