every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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