she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
