I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
