He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
