Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
