But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
