never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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