It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
