I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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