Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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