What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
