Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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