so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
