I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
