Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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