my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had sex on a roof
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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