tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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