I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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