Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
