I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
