He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize