I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
