well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
