the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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