he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
