I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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