one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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