I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
